Saturday, August 16, 2008

MBA Terrorists

Terrorism - 'Black Listed' world in the present world. I don't need to go into details about what is it and how is it affecting all of us. This post is just a fragment of my imagination of conversation between terrorist, who are MBAs :)
Disclaimer: This is post is not intended to hurt any entity. Please take it in lighter sense :)

Terrorist 1: We recently made blasts in B'lore and Surat. How was the impact of those ?
Terrorist 2: We had short term gains but in the long run I don't think we have gained much.
Terrorist 3: hmm... I also have the same opinion. You know, I think we have not planned our strategy properly. We should first have all our basics in places. We don't even have mission and vision statements defined!
Terrorist 1: Fair enough. Lets start by laying our foundation properly. Although we have some mission statement, its better to put that in writing so that the whole organization is aligned.
Terrorist 3: Yeah. So, our mission statement is "To create new business opportunities such that the highest cash flows pertaining to any budget in the world would be directed towards us. Hence, we are instrumental in running the growth engines of the world's economy by increasing the government's expenditure and also of that of the general public. We aspire to create tremendous employment opportunities through direct and indirect means and provide constant learning and growth opportunities to our employees by hand on experience on some of the rarest adventures of the world. We also help in getting back the black money back into the main stream where it can be utilized for the betterment of the people."
Terrorist 2: wow! You make me feel like a saint.
Terrorist 3: Now, the Vision statement, "We aspire to create a global organization with reach from Snow to Desert. We want to have 50% of world's GDP. For the better world we aim at controlling the world population by increasing the mortality rate and making it equal to birth rate by 2010 along with our partners and competitors. We also aim at removing the dearth of world leaders by creating new world leaders and public icons and our strong leadership and training programs are aimed to achieve this." Have I missed anything ?
Terrorist 1: Its sufficient for the time being. We can always improve our vision later.
Terrorist 2: Hey, but who are our stakeholders ?
T3: Common! Everyone in the world is our stakeholder. we don't discriminate and we touch each and everyone's life.
T1: Ok, now lets get down to formulate strategy... Let us start by analysing our position... Lets apply Porter's 5 forces model.
T2 (to self) Ahhh! I joined this organization to escape that crap and here again I am stuck with it.
T1: Lets start with our suppliers.
T3: Well, we don't have any fixed supplier! It keeps on varying...
T1: yeah yeah... you are right. So, that means that we are not dependent on any one supplier and hence supplier power is very less... so we are strong at this front.
T3: Same is true for our customers. We are suppliers to the whole world so we are not dependent on one region for our growth. Our risks are pretty much spread out and our customers have virtually no bargain power on us.
T2 (to self) What crap.
T1: How about the new entrant ?
T3: They are always beneficial for us... You see they are more of collaborators than competitors. In fact we don't have competitors as such.
T1: You are mistaken my friends... America is in fact our biggest competitor. But yes the entry barriers are so high that no one can easily enter this business without our help or our competitors' help.
T3: Oh! I overlooked that point.
T1: The situation is very odd over here. Our biggest competitor is also our biggest collaborator.... after all its only because of the these huge economies that we are surviving!
T2: !@#!@!%$^$^%$&$#@#$@$^&*%^*%^^
T3: And there are no substitutes for us. Peace and negotiations can never achieve what we can.... they will stagnant the world economy and lead to increase in population with no increase in resources....
T1: I think we are in a quite comfortable position... Thats a good sign.
T3: Not really... We have to think seriously about our competition else we will be eradicated completely.
T2: I think we should increase our business... That way our reach will also increase. Moreover, over competitor is bounded by various treaties and diplomacy so it won't be able to keep pace with us.
T1: Good suggestion. So, where can we really expand ?
T3: For deciding upon that we must keep in mind that the investment we make should have long sustaining effect.
T2: Yeah... we have just bombed 2 cities of India. How about expanding more over here ?
T1: Whats the use of that! The government of this country will not do anything.... People would be terrified for a day or two but since from past 61 years this is going on so they will become used to that also. There are no long term returns you can expect from this place. Moreover, many of our own people are in politics over here.... and rest be assured that Government is not going to do anything except talking. So, cost benefit analysis does not support this market.
T3: hmm... Africa is pathetic... so no chance over there... how about USA ?
T2: We have already tried it once and the response was quite good for us.... although we suffered heavy loss in Afghanistan later but I think that because we approached it incorrectly.
T1: Yeah, impact wise thats the most favorable area. It will lead to chain of events including heavy investments in various areas. moreover, our brand value will increase several times. The indirect marketing benefits would be worth several billions. In addition the present value of the future cash flows of terrors would be huge... In fact maximum. But we should hedge ourselves from the future losses because of that.
T2: That we will do. So, everybody game for USA ?
T3: Market looks attractive to me.
T1: I am also in.
T2: Fine then. We are targeting US. Do we need to access the market size ?
T3: Not really, we know that it will be the biggest. So, lets skip that part and concentrate upon our market strategy.
T1: We need to identify the area which would be most effective for us. From where our benefit to cost ratio is maximum.
T2: So you mean to say, our investment should be minimum but the benefits should be maximum.
T1: Exactly.
T3: US as you know is also competitor. So, going into its territory and doing business over there is quite expensive from the logistics point of view and we have to cut through all the checks and measures put against us. so, cost are really very high.
T2: Can we outsource that part ?
T1: To whom ? Its not India.
T2: Then we can do something remotely ?
T3: Remotely ?
T2: Yeah... Something like Remote Infrastructure Management... Something like that.... It should be possible.... lets think....
T1 (Thinking)
T2 (Thinking)
T3 (Thinking)
T1: Idea!!!
T2: What ?
T1: See our goal is to reap maximum benefits with minimum investment. Right ?
T2 and T3: Right.
T1: Then lets hit where we could have maximum impact... Lets destroy the backbone of US... Lets hit its economy.
T2 and T3: HOOO HAAA HAAA!!! What joke! We are terrorist not economist.
T1: Yeah, but we are MBAs too... Just think.... the panic which we can spread by that.
T2: and how do you propose to do that ?
T1: Hey, isn't this the same country who boast of advancements and blah blah... Just think carefully. It has computerised everything from stores to banks to its defence system. If we can just disrupt its databases... This can bring so much chaos which even 10 twin tower collapsing can't bring.
T2: Cool... and then we can even control its defence systems and turn it against itself....
T3: And all this through remote location.... minimum cost.... off shore model!
T1: Yes... and this will have rippling effect on the whole world. so, by just targeting one country we can bring the whole world to its knees. There will be chaos and civil wars and then wars between countries. So, our population control goal will also be met... I can see that we can very easily achieve our vision by this....
T2: Very true..... In fact we would be controlling the fate of every person on this planet.
T3: Yeah, and thats the first step... we can even control the mobile networks and hence every mobile device of the world. It would give us incredible reach.
T1: Great idea! Through mobiles we can get into personal life of any one and this will also help to identify future employees..... wow! there seem to be infinite opportunities.... I feel so excited.
T2: Me too.
T3: so what are we waiting for....lets implement it.
T1: Yeah, lets go and hired few Engineers from India....
T2: Why hire ? Lets kidnap a few dozen.... Remember we are in a cost cutting mode.
T3: As you wish...

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